23 weeks

Guys- we have reached viability :) 

That's what I say when I know if anything were to happen (knock on wood!!) and I delivered anytime from here on out, our baby girl would have a shot at life. 

This baby is a night baby for sure! (Thanks night shift!) It's been so awesome to feel her kicks and flutters, and she's big enough Kyle can feel them too. As my belly has been growing, I point to it and tell Emma there's a baby in there. So throughout the day she'll point to me and say "mommy", herself and say "Emma" and my belly and say "baby". It's precious!

My belly seems to have reeeeally grown in the last couple weeks. Fortunately, my weight gain is much more controlled than it was with Emma. Even if it's just a pound less, I'm determined to not gain as much as I did with her. Haha. 

I hadn't seen my older brother in a while, and the first thing he said to me was "wow, you're about to pop!" Yeah... Thanks bro. Love you too. I still have FOUR months to go!!! I will say though, my belly seems to double in size from the moment I wake until bedtime. It's crazy! Below is soon after waking, not so bad.

We are having a hard time deciding on a name, we've slimmed it down to 3. But, nothing I've felt "in love" with just yet. Almost... But I'm thinking it may be one of those "I just have to see her to know" things. I knew Emma would be Emma before we even knew we were pregnant, so this whole can't decide on a name thing is hard. Names are so important to me, they stick around with someone for a long time! Haha. I am so just so excited (and anxious!) to meet this little person kicking my insides. If she's anything like our first child- she will be awesome. 

But, how do you love another as much as your first?! Please tell me. Because as excited as I am, I'm a little sad that it won't just be Emma anymore. I know, it sounds weird. 

Baby girl- we can't wait to meet you!!!

*name suggestions, anyone?!

"Make A Difference Tonight"

Tonight is my first night of three in a row. Emma woke me up by 8, and I was lucky enough to get in to see my chiropractor earlier this morning due to some back pain that has just been getting worse. It was wonderful to get adjusted, but it will take a few more times to feel better. One of my discs is slightly bulging, which has been causing constant aching, and sharp pains if I bend or move a certain way. Ugh. And now I have to work all weekend?!

Emma used to take long, quiet naps with me in the afternoon before going into work. Now, she's done after about an hour. And continues to climb, jump, laugh, sing, and poke me all over. Today was one of those days with one of those naps. Luckily, I'll make it through the night, see my chiro on my way home, and be able to pass out without being interrupted until 5 pm tomorrow. Ahhh. I can almost feel my bed now...

As I was walking across the bridge connecting the parking garage to the hospital, I am sure I looked less than happy to be walking into work tonight. Its a long bridge, and there was another employee heading home. It is always a little awkward, walking towards each other for so long- Do I look up? Look down? Look out in the distance? Make eye contact? Say hi first? Yeah, maybe it is just me, but I go through this nearly every time I'm passing somebody. So, I do all the above, and just before passing I look up and give a "hello" smile.

Then he says something that I really needed to hear.

"Make a difference tonight."

 Not "have a good one"
or "good night"
 or "hello"
 or simply "hi"
 Those are things I would say.

I wish I would have given him a hug, or shook his hand, and said "Thank you, I really needed to hear that."

Instead, I smiled and said "Thank you".

I've been working in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for almost 7 months now. In some ways, I am getting the hang of it, in other ways... I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. (Shhh, I probably shouldn't have said that last part out loud!) Recently I had my turn to float to the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) and PEDS (general pediatrics) departments. I got 12 hours of orientation on each floor. When I went to be on my own, I felt less than capable. I still only got assigned babies- but two month old babies are a lot different than premature babies! It was hard, and I was counting down the minutes until that shift ended.

I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy lately, and I think a lot of it stems from exhaustion, pregnancy, hormone roller coasters, and a bit of anxiety of welcoming our second daughter in just a few short months. ((This pregnancy is flying by!)) A good portion of these feelings revolve around work. I have felt that even though I come to work, take care of the babies, assess them, feed them, change them, calm their crying, give them meds, over and over again...

I wonder...
"Am I doing enough?"
"Am I smart enough?"
"Am I caring enough?"
"Am I, enough?"
"Am I making any difference at all?"

Tonight, I was reminded that I am. It may be monotonous at times, and I may wish I could just be home sleeping, taking care of my own family. Hopefully one day I will be able to. But I am making a difference. I am taking care of PEOPLE who were born too early, who may be struggling to stay alive, who can't say "Thank you" for not letting them sit in soiled diapers all night, and who cannot do a thing for themselves. I am doing enough, just by being here and helping them grow, 12 hour shift by 12 hour shift. I still have a lot to learn, but that will just take more time and experience. We all could use more time and experience; Am I right?!

As the quote says: "Be the change you wish to see in the world". YOU can make a difference.

bUmP-date

I will be entering the 2nd trimester this week, and I couldn't be happier. This pregnancy has been more difficult than the last, and I have really been struggling.

When I found out I was pregnant, I had so many mixed emotions. I was thrilled to find out we were able to get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage, but also anxious and nervous that we could lose this one, too. Shortly after, morning sickness and extreme fatigue set in. For about two months straight, I did nothing but work (had to) and sit on the couch taking Zofran around the clock. Getting myself off the couch was dreadful. I can't count on one hand how many times I stepped foot in a grocery store that whole time. It. Was. Miserable. All that made it a little difficult to be so excited, when I felt so horrible. Once I shared the news publicly, and others shared their enthusiasm and joy- it really helped me to feel excited.

Aside from the morning sickness, I have also been struggling with extreme mood swings and irritability. The smallest of things cause me to get upset, and unfortunately Kyle and Emma are the ones around the most and feel the effects of it. Oh boy, it is a horrible feeling for lashing out over something ridiculous.

Kyle and I planned on 5 kids... He's down to 4, and me, I think we'll call it good now. Of course, I told him to just ignore whatever I said about that until this pregnancy is over. Hormones can really impair judgement. ;)

Luckily, Kyle has been a HUGE help. I can't imagine making it through that dark time without him! And Emma, oh my sweet Emma. I love that little angel. Poor girl has been teething for the past two weeks, and had a cold on top of that. 4 molars all at once. We've been fun to be around...

Bleh. Sorry for the down-er post. 

 

I really am excited to welcome this sweet spirit into our home. Sometimes I don't know why Heavenly Father trusted me with Emma, and to know He's allowing us to have another one... I am beyond grateful. One thing I've been reminded of lately, is that I cannot do this alone. At times I think I've got the hang of it, I'm doing great, and then things get rough and my positivity wavers. I realize that it has a lot to do with my lack of reliance on my Heavenly Father. I cannot do it without His help. Who am I to raise His children without His guidance, strength, wisdom, and love? I can't. I know that now, more than ever. I am thankful for tender moments that He gives us to help remind us just how reliant we are- we must be- on Him.

Positively Positive

We are thrilled to announce

 our rainbow baby

Arriving May, 2015!!