"Make A Difference Tonight"

Tonight is my first night of three in a row. Emma woke me up by 8, and I was lucky enough to get in to see my chiropractor earlier this morning due to some back pain that has just been getting worse. It was wonderful to get adjusted, but it will take a few more times to feel better. One of my discs is slightly bulging, which has been causing constant aching, and sharp pains if I bend or move a certain way. Ugh. And now I have to work all weekend?!

Emma used to take long, quiet naps with me in the afternoon before going into work. Now, she's done after about an hour. And continues to climb, jump, laugh, sing, and poke me all over. Today was one of those days with one of those naps. Luckily, I'll make it through the night, see my chiro on my way home, and be able to pass out without being interrupted until 5 pm tomorrow. Ahhh. I can almost feel my bed now...

As I was walking across the bridge connecting the parking garage to the hospital, I am sure I looked less than happy to be walking into work tonight. Its a long bridge, and there was another employee heading home. It is always a little awkward, walking towards each other for so long- Do I look up? Look down? Look out in the distance? Make eye contact? Say hi first? Yeah, maybe it is just me, but I go through this nearly every time I'm passing somebody. So, I do all the above, and just before passing I look up and give a "hello" smile.

Then he says something that I really needed to hear.

"Make a difference tonight."

 Not "have a good one"
or "good night"
 or "hello"
 or simply "hi"
 Those are things I would say.

I wish I would have given him a hug, or shook his hand, and said "Thank you, I really needed to hear that."

Instead, I smiled and said "Thank you".

I've been working in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for almost 7 months now. In some ways, I am getting the hang of it, in other ways... I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. (Shhh, I probably shouldn't have said that last part out loud!) Recently I had my turn to float to the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) and PEDS (general pediatrics) departments. I got 12 hours of orientation on each floor. When I went to be on my own, I felt less than capable. I still only got assigned babies- but two month old babies are a lot different than premature babies! It was hard, and I was counting down the minutes until that shift ended.

I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy lately, and I think a lot of it stems from exhaustion, pregnancy, hormone roller coasters, and a bit of anxiety of welcoming our second daughter in just a few short months. ((This pregnancy is flying by!)) A good portion of these feelings revolve around work. I have felt that even though I come to work, take care of the babies, assess them, feed them, change them, calm their crying, give them meds, over and over again...

I wonder...
"Am I doing enough?"
"Am I smart enough?"
"Am I caring enough?"
"Am I, enough?"
"Am I making any difference at all?"

Tonight, I was reminded that I am. It may be monotonous at times, and I may wish I could just be home sleeping, taking care of my own family. Hopefully one day I will be able to. But I am making a difference. I am taking care of PEOPLE who were born too early, who may be struggling to stay alive, who can't say "Thank you" for not letting them sit in soiled diapers all night, and who cannot do a thing for themselves. I am doing enough, just by being here and helping them grow, 12 hour shift by 12 hour shift. I still have a lot to learn, but that will just take more time and experience. We all could use more time and experience; Am I right?!

As the quote says: "Be the change you wish to see in the world". YOU can make a difference.