The Sun Will Always Shine In The Morning

Two months ago I had a miscarriage. I lost a baby, a child.

I haven't been quite the same since. I haven't quite found the right words to say.

Whether you are 6 weeks or 6 months, a miscarriage is never easy to come to terms with. For me, I knew what was happening the moment it started. I tried to deny it, tried to believe the words of comfort and assurance from others that it was probably nothing. I knew better. But it still didn't prepare me for the ultrasound that showed emptiness. My emotions didn't catch up with me until shortly after that appointment. Was I a mess.

My heart aches for the loss, and for anyone who has had the misfortune of experiencing a miscarriage themselves. I have found peace in talking about it. In sharing the thoughts of my heart. It doesn't feel so lonely, then. I used to believe that it would be no good to share a pregnancy prior to 12 weeks, because of how vulnerable the pregnancy is that early. Who wants to share the sadness and experience the awkwardness when it miscarries? Well, my thoughts have changed. And I will forever be grateful for that.

I was 5 weeks when I shared with immediate family and a few close friends. I was going to wait until I had my first ultrasound to share publicly with everyone else so I can show off that small black and white static photo that represents a new life. My miscarriage happened at 6.5 weeks. It was difficult and lonely enough to go through even though I had shared it with those closest to me, but how hard it would have been to share the news to those who never knew in the first place. I am grateful I didn't have to suffer in silence. I am grateful to those who served me and my family by bringing a meal, sweeping my floor, washing my dishes, and sharing words of comfort, peace, and personal experiences. I am surrounded by such wonderful people.

Emma was my shining light through that storm- and she continues to shine. Her smiling face welcomes every morning, and reminds me to cherish every moment. Even when I want to pull my hair out. I am thankful for her sweet spirit, how the Lord loved me enough to entrust me with this little angel is humbling, at best. Being her momma is so great! She doesn't replace the loss of this baby, but her presence in so comforting. Kyle is such a great support, and couldn't imagine life without him by my side. He has been my strength when I can't take another step, and works so hard and does so much for Emma and I. I'm thankful for having a body that has grown and nourished my daughter, and I hope it will continue to welcome more children into our family, with time.

Life can be dark, and dreary, and monotonous... but it can also be beautiful, bright, and whole. Just look at this photo we snapped at a family camp out just a couple weeks later. I will always remember that difficult time, and all I can do is hope that one day I will be able to meet the child I carried for those 6.5 weeks. I trust that God sees the big picture, and has wonderful plans in store for our family.

***The title of this post is credited to my mother-in-law, Sharon. She shared it with me during that difficult time. It is a constant reminder to me that life carries on, and if all else fails- the sun will shine. Every day we are able to see the sun shine, and experience life here on earth, is another day to be thankful for the blessings that surround us. It is our responsibility to grow and learn from the hard times. Wallowing will do more harm than good. Time doesn't heal wounds, but it makes them easier to bare. I hope that in your time of darkness, you will remember this quote and find peace in your heart. There is always a calm after the storm, so don't give up.

Have you experienced a miscarriage?
How did you cope with it?